Name: Matthew K. Garner. The "K" stands for "Kill you if you ask what the 'K' stands for."
Age: Old enough to know better.
Occupation: Toastmaster General.
Residence: In that old shoebox under your bed.
Likes: Humor, the inevitability of death.
Dislikes: Being alive, being stabbed in the eye with a protractor.
Skills: Voice imitation, laser eye beams.
Weaknesses: Manic depression.
Quote: "Question the Majority!"